A Complete Shopping Experience

Daddy just could not ignore the bold-front page advertisement

Enjoy your Holiday with a complete shopping experience- YOUR SHOPPEE Welcomes you.(Picture of laughing clown doing cartwheels)

YOUR SHOPPEE has Everything for Everyone (Picture of Happy Family with loaded shopping carts)

Potato Chips, Pasta, Noodles, Socks, Soft Drinks, Lipsticks, Crockery…and more at unbelievable prices ! Great Savings assured. (Pictures of the aforementioned goods)…

Assured gift with every purchase (Picture of a gift wrapped package)

We are holding down the price line  for your sake… (Picture of a woman with hands folded in a humble Namaste)

Daddy’s interest was aroused as he continued to read. He found what he was looking for (in much smaller letters):

Parking available.

Daddy made the decision-as he always did- for the family. They were going to enjoy the day at YOUR SHOPPEE. The idea had an appealing rationale. Last night, they were thinking of a picnic outside the city which meant spending cash on fuel, food, and entertainment. The long drive would also tire him out. On the other hand, for a possibly lesser amount, a few hours at the hypermarket would still ensure quality togetherness for the family. He could pay with the meal coupons and credit card. There was also  the promise of an afternoon snooze and follwoed by  the IPL matches on TV. 

The proposal-decision, actually-was presented to the Family. 

Daddy’s Pet nodded enthusiastically. To her, Daddy was always right, even if Mother thought otherwise.

Mother’s Darling frowned. To him, shopping sucked if you are not buying sports stuff or computer games.

Mother arched a brow and pursed her lips. There must be a motive somewhere, but she couldn’t quite place it.

Daddy tried to placate Mother. We can buy the groceries today.

Mother was sceptical. We are well stocked for a nuclear winter. There is still  stuff from last year’s sale.

But Daddy was nothing if not persuasive. He would not be deprived of his afternoon me-time. Soon all objections were demolished and after a final check for money, credit cards and meal coupons the Family was on its way. They were dressed in their holiday best- Daddy’s Pet in her favourite pink, Mother’s Darling sulked along in his rebellious rags, Mother in cargoes and  a souvenir T-shirt from Hawaii and Daddy in checked Bermudas with a souvenir T-shirt from the Niagara Falls.

As they turned into the YOUR SHOPPEE lane, they saw cars parked on either side of the road. Obviously, dozens of other families had made similar plans and had also read Parking Available in the ad. Just as he was losing hope, Daddy spotted a vacant space and guided the car into it. Mother pointed to the No-Parking sign next to the car. Daddy pointed to the other cars parked there.

The stalemate was broken by a blue uniform who appeared at the window and assured them that YOUR SHOPPEE had taken “special permission” and that it was perfectly alright to park there. Matter resolved, the Family got out of the car and dived into the Store for a morning of shopping bliss.

They shopped, buying some of this and getting a lot of that for free.

Mother bought three carpets for the price of one. The helpful attendant told her that they were part of a special lot that was manufactured and imported for them. The carpets was just what she wanted for the new home they would be moving into after two years. The attendant agreed that it was a shame that these designs would not be available then. She also bought a crockery set to go with the carpets.

Daddy stocked up on potato chips and soft drinks to last the IPL season. He thought it was a fantastic bargain.  Mother’s Darling wanted a cricket bat; so he chose a tennis racquet. The bat came free with the racquet. Mummy was pleased: her son was learning fast. Daddy’s Pet had decided what she wanted to take to school for the week. She loaded the cart with noodles and pasta. Daddy beamed at his ever practical daughter.

It went on like this.

Eventually, they decided that they had had enough and it was time to head home. They wheeled their carts to join the long queue at the check-out counter.

It was a long wait. The euphoria was fading quickly and the children became restless. At last their turn came. Daddy paid with the meal coupons and credit card. There was a further delay while Daddy decided on which of the six credit cards he wanted to use. But that, too, was over and the cashier gave them their bill and a gift voucher which they had  to  redeem at the gift counter.

They got a packet of salt for the voucher. The clerk at the counter explained that their delighted customers often overlooked this essential purchase. So YOUR SHOPPEE had decided to gift a packet of salt with every purchase. Daddy looked askance at Mummy. Mummy looked away. The clerk beamed.

They lugged their purchases to the car. It was Daddy’s Pet who pointed out to the vacant space where their car had been. Scrawled on the road in chalk was the name and phone number of the police station the car had been towed to. The blue uniform was nowhere in sight.

Their shopping experience was complete.

Let Cricket Be..

Let the Media, Sponsors and Fans stay out of sight,

God said let Cricket be and all was right!

(No apologies, but heartfelt gratitude to Alexander Pope for the inspiration)

It must be  a distraction and a tough going  for a team to have one billion non-playing captains, all of whom are experts in technique, strategy and tactics. To make matters easy for my “boys”, I have decided to relinquish my share of the responsibilities. By my  doing so, they will have one less person to please. Reflecting further, I felt  that by just stepping down, I would continue to burden them with the baggage of my opinions and expectations. Thus, I have made up my mind to exit completely.

It has been a joyous and satisfying journey. From the time I skipped classes for a game to arriving late and groggy for work (I fumed that the spineless BCCI could not accomplish something as simple as setting matches to convenient Indian times regardless of where they were being played), I can proudly say that my commitment never flagged.

All conversations emanated from or led to cricket. Cricket was the purpose of my existence as well as an excuse for not doing something (It is match day, yaar, can’t make it!). It was the reason why I could ignore unwelcome guests, got the inverter installed in my home and the 52inch LCD screen on the wall. In short, the game meant everything to me.

It was great while it lasted.

I now embark on what someone described as “a pursuit of life”. (Yes, that someone was Steve Waugh, a cricketer. Who else could have come up with something as profound?). But it is with more than a tinge of regret that I will not hold my breath for that Special Feat by the God of Cricket or fret over the value attached to His Abode by a stingy insurer.

Let's Have Some Humor, Please

We are living in a terrible world and doomsday is just around the corner; or so we are led to believe by television, newspapers, the internet and all other oracles of wisdom. Nothing seems to going to right for humanity- Greece, the Euro crisis, Wall Street, US debt, climate change, rogue states, etc. Closer home we have inflation, falling stock markets, the Lokpal Bill, 2G and scams of every kind and size. The list is ever growing; you only have to add your pet angst to it.

Whatever happened to that wonderful therapeutic called humour? I don’t mean the stand up comic type which is in vogue today; rather, the sly poke in the ribs that reminds us that, even if all is not well with the world, we are doing fine and having a good laugh about it.

Welcome to the little world of Don Camillo.

In the context of its time, post world war two Europe was just as insecure and dangerous as the world is today.  While the common folk grappled with economic hardship, their political leadership was preoccupied with ideological realignments or preventing them. As a farcical consequence, depending on your leanings, all problems owed their roots to communism or opposition to it. Black couldn’t get blacker and white, whiter.

The absurdity of the situation was too much for an Italian, Giovanni Guareschi. He reacted by creating two characters, a priest named Don Camillo and his communist adversary, Peppone, in a village in the Po river valley in Northern Italy. The battle between the proletariat and the bourgeoisie was truly joined and the several comic confrontation between the two reflected the pointlessness of the  discourse of the time.

Guareschi was born “… in Parma near the Po River; people born in this area have heads as hard as pig iron…My parents had decided that I should become a naval engineer and so I ended up studying law and thus, in a short time, I became famous as a signboard artist and caricaturist.” 

As if this was not enough, life had a lot more in store for him.

He wrote, “For reasons entirely beyond my control, the war broke out…Since I did not want to work for the Germans; I was sent to … various concentration camps… I had to do everything to stay alive and succeeded almost completely by dedicating myself to a precise programme which is summarized in my slogan 'I will not die even they kill me'. (It is not easy to remain alive when one is reduced to sack of bones of which the total weight is one hundred pounds, and this includes lice, bedbugs, fleas, hunger, and melancholy.)”.

One must read the Don Camillo stories to appreciate the delicious farce of the battles between faith and ideology. Both Don Camillo and Peppone are  rigid in their beliefs and do not hesitate to use their fists to make their points. But “… one man beats the other over the head, but fairly - that is, without hatred - and that in the end the two enemies find they agree about the essentials.”

Christ is Don Camillo’s conscience keper and the two often converse and argue. But His control over the priest’s temper is tenuous. In one story the Lord restrains Don Camillo saying that “…your hands were made for blessing, not for striking.” In response, Don Camillo made the rather fine point that the Lord said nothing about the use of  feet and proceeded to give his adversary a powerful kick in the behind.

But the Lord is even-handed in his dispensations. When Don Camillo refused to  baptise Peppone’s infant son (I'm thinking of the reputation of Paradise, Don Camillo claimed.), Christ was annoyed.

'The reputation of Paradise is my business,' He shouted angrily. 'What matters to me is

that a man should be a decent fellow and I care less than nothing whether his name be Lenin or Button.’

Though they would not admit to it, both men needed each other. In one story, the communists petition the Bishop to transfer Don Camillo from the village because of his “his provocative and dictatorial poses.” Peppone misses him almost immediately on Don Camillo’s departure and loses no time in leading another group to the same Bishop with a demand to get him back and threatened that “…until our regular parish priest returns to us, not a soul will enter the church."

Giovanni Guareschi is unapologetic about his characters. “If there is a priest anywhere who

feels offended by my treatment of Don Camillo, he is welcome to break the biggest candle

available over my head. And if there is a Communist who feels offended by Peppone, he is

welcome to break a hammer and sickle on my back. But if there is anyone who is offended by the conversations of Christ, I can't help it; for the one who speaks in this story is not Christ, but my Christ - that is, the voice of my conscience.”

For reasons beyond our control, the world has got to where it is now. We take our experts-politicians, stock brokers, bankers and the like- far too seriously. In the general atmosphere of gloom, they appear to be only ones with carefree smiles on their faces. And why not, if they are being paid handsomely just to remind us, day in and day out, of our miserable condition?

The time is just right to shut our ears to the din and stop taking ourselves seriously. Don Camillo and Peppone can teach us how. Along the way, we might also realize  the foolishness of taking extreme positions.

 And laugh about it, too.

(The Don Camillo stories are freely available on the internet)

Wanted- Chief Spiritual Officer

The attendant whispered into the ear of The Great One that it was time for his  Sadhana     (meditation). The Great One nodded, half-closed his eyes, smiled at the small gathering and raised his hand, palm facing outward. The meeting ended. Laptops were switched off and returned to their bags; and the people in the room rose and moved forward, heads bent, to receive the His blessings. The Great One blessed them all. Eyes shining in ecstasy, they filed slowly out of the room, each person trying harder than the other to be the last to leave so that that the Vibrations and the Energy from the Great One remained the longest with him.

The attendant then spread the Turkish rug.  The Great One gathered his finely patterned mauve and gold (according to The Great One, the colours of sunrise over the Gobi desert in early summer)  silk robe around him and sat. At a sign that only he could understand, the attendant turned on the Bang and Olufsen audio system, selected African Chants and pressed the play button.

From inside the folds of his robe, The Great One then brought out the Svarovski crystal beads strung together in a fine platinum thread. Then he took a deep breath, shut his eyes and exhaled. The attendant made sure that the air conditioner was set at 22.5degrees Celsius and exited the Divine chamber.

Outside, scores of his devotees chanted along and swayed to the ululation that came out of the speakers. They had travelled thousands of miles to experience Absolute Ecstasy. They were the truly fortunate and Blessed ones that day.

But, inside the Divine Chamber, The Great One was restless. He was unable to drive corporeal matters out of his mind.  True, the outcome of the meeting was reassuring. His following had grown manifold and the flow of offerings (the Great One did not accept gifts or donations, only offerings) from His devotees were turning into a flood.  From hard cash to gold and diamonds, cars to yachts and aircraft- his devotees spared no efforts. Universities, hospitals, and even banks were named after him. Yet, his worries remained. If anything, they only seemed to increase.

In his childhood an astrologer had predicted greatness for him. As an adult he was a brilliant engineering student who went on study management and became a successful banker. Then he heeded a Higher Calling. He stopped chasing wealth. His destiny was- as he would sometimes humbly share with his most ardent devotees- to lead people to Enlightenment and Happiness. If the size of his following and offerings was anything to go by, he didn’t do badly.

A contemporary of his, whose following and influence even The Great One wished he could match, had given up his mortal being recently. His followers, who remained in the illusional material world, fell to squabbling among themselves and soon destroyed his legacy. It was then that The Great One realised that he, too, was allowed finite time in this world. But he did not want HIS work to be undone in such a manner. It was this thought that was ruining his concentration.

The spiritual being in him advised The Great One against attachment to worldly issues. But his material alter ego insisted that it was his responsibility to ensure that his legacy continued. Soon, The Great One’s mind turned into a battlefield in which the material and the immaterial fought for domination. 

The Great One sighed loudly and said, “Enough! I have decided.” He kept aside his beads and reached for his phone, switched it on and made a call.

The conversation ended a few minutes later after which The Great One resumed his meditation. His mind was at peace, his face glowed and the serene half-smile returned. He was back on the path to Enlightenment and Happiness.

A few days later, leading newspapers carried the following advertisement:

Our client, an internationally renowned organization committed to the spiritual upliftment of the global community, has advertised for the following position

                        
                                                    Chief Spiritual Officer

LOCATION: India. The incumbent will have the opportunity to live and work in one of the most scenic areas in the country. The establishment is located on several hundred acres of greenery. One of India’s largest rivers flows through it in the backdrop of snow capped mountains. The air is pure and the environment serene. The place is connected to the State Capital by a six lane highway to the State Capital; and an airport to major destinations in India and overseas.

QUALIFICATIONS AND EXPERIENCE: The position does not call for a formal education although the ability to read and write will be considered an added asset. However, the incumbent must effectively communicate the core spiritual messages and demonstrate his ability to attract, retain and expand a global following. Success in retaining the unquestioning devotion of politicians, business leaders and other persons of influence will be a key result area. A talent for magic like fire eating, conjuring objects and making them disappear, etc will be to the candidate’s advantage.

Marital status is not an issue of concern for the position. However, the incumbent is expected to maintain the highest standards of discretion in his (or her) personal matters. A willingness to deny existence of close family would be ideal.

SALARY AND PERQUISITES: No limits. The successful candidate may select his (or her) remuneration package in any or a combination of major international currencies. The incumbent will be entitled to a modern, fully furnished, centrally air conditioned twenty-room mansion equipped with state-of-art furnishing, plumbing and communication facilities. Also at disposal are personal and secretarial staffs to attend to all needs. In addition, The Chief Spiritual Officer is entitled to the exclusive use of a fleet of luxury cars, three yachts and two aircraft.

The selected candidate will be expected to join at an early date and work with the present incumbent. He (or she) will take  full charge after the latter’s departure from this world. The candidate must also bear in mind that, for obvious reasons, it is not possible to set a timeline for this eventuality.

Please apply in strict confidence to ……….

The last we heard on the matter, the recruitment company had  received 12,486 applications. The short listing process and preliminary interviews are on. Hopefully, The Great One will find a worthy successor in about ten years. Or, at least, a reliable astrologer.